your girlfriend has aidsmetaphorically

Your Girlfriend Has AIDS...Metaphorically

People like to say that there's a distinction between women and

bitches. There is, but it lies only in the probing mind of the

beholder. Much in the same way they can give you AIDS without you

realizing it was them, those girls you consider to be non-bitches are

really just women careful enough to cover their open sores with

make-up.

That's right, I just compared bitchiness to full blown AIDS. Both are

non-treatable. The only difference is that I didn't give bitchiness to

your mom. She was a bitch even before the unprotected anal play.

Over the years, I've gotten used to the general pettiness of women.

Not that men can't be petty...but women seem to have the innate

ability to transform a mild incompatibility into a full-blown Israel -

Palestine level of hostilities in a way that is just stupefying to me.

For example, Jane cuts in front of Darla in the line at the office

cafeteria. So Darla, having no other possible recourse, spreads the

rumor around the office Jane is an unreliable drunk. Jane, acting in

accordance with female etiquette, has Darla's children crippled by

hiring a deranged hobo to jump them in the parking lot at school with

a hubcap. So Darla neuters Jane's husband with a bolt-cutter and

injects radiator fluid into Jane's spine with a syringe in the

elevator.

I know, I know. It's the oldest story in the book.

The thing is that I have this weird tendency to forget that this

viciousness continues to exist, lurking just below that thin layer of

mascara, blush, and lace.

I was at a bar last weekend, when two of the girls in my group began

discussing a girl at the bar.

"What's going on now?" I asked in my typical on-the-ball manner. "You

hate who because of what?"

"That cow in the pink shirt over there." One of them hissed. "She's

such a cunt."

I don't know a lot about women. I do know, however, that when they use

the word "cunt" to describe someone, it's not because they want to

dyke out with them. Believe me: I've tried to push the issue.

No, if there were two men involved in an altercation who happened to

run into each other in a bar, there would have been one of two courses

of action:

1 ) They would head out to the parking lot and beat each other

senseless like decent human beings.

Or

2) They would actively ignore each other and nothing would happen.

Neither of these options were acceptable for the females. Instead,

they launched themselves over to the offending woman, and struck up a

lively conversation. They chatted for about 20 minutes, before

inviting her over to join our table.

The evening marched onward with the casual banter and mirth of a knife

fight.

"So Martha, I heard your husband was recently laid off. Don't feel

bad, we're all amazed he lasted this long. He isn't drinking again, is

he?"

"Nancy, I just love that shirt on you. I didn't know that JC Penny

carried plus-plus sizes."

But in case, if there was really any question about who is more evil

men or women, the final point was driven home by the rounds of drinks

and cigarettes that the ladies kept forcing on their foe from the bar.

Cocktail after cocktail followed countless blazing butts down her

throat. One of the girls even got up to buy a new pack of cigarettes.

"And why is that evil?" you ask. To be honest, I didn't understand it

either...until the girl started discussing baby names with the group.