I'm unavailable right now, please leave your girlfriend after the beep.
This has become a reoccurring theme in my life, taken men. Last
August, vacation, guy who lives across the street with his family,
truth or dare leads to drunken Iforgotuseacondom sex. Oh you have a
girlfriend? Oh well, I'll visit you and your family next week and lets
fuck around again. The next day, I go to the party of the year get
wasted, play phone tag with my ex, but keep missing his calls because
I'm having drunken idon'tremembermostofit sex with one of my old best
friends boyfriends. He calls me the next day to ask me to get together
later. I decline. As it turns out they had just broken up, so I was in
the clear. This past month, at work, two stores down, an attractive
(26y.o) man, a friend tells him I'm interested, he is all about it.
Thing is he has a wife and a small daughter. Its a known fact he
doesn't love her anymore and has had girlfriends. I'm going with a no
for now on that one, I'm not going to hell for this.
I don't have any real regrets about those events. They happened, I
moved on. Three days ago I almost had sex with one of my best friends.
He has a girlfriend. Who is kinda sorta one of my friends. But only
because I am friends with him. I did a bad thing. But isn't it more
his fault? I betrayed the laws of friendship. Why? Because I was
wasted, have an inappropriate frush* on him, and lets face it,
probably because I wanted to. And it was pretty nice. Its nice to feel
wanted. Its not nice to feel used. Being good friends, we hang out on
a regular basis, and now when I call I feel like he thinks I want to
be with him, that I'm one of those girls. Which he knows I'm not. I
just don't understand how he can cheat on the girl he has loved for
the past ten years (They've been on and off since they were 12), and
think its okay. His mentality, which has been discussed, is that
whatever happens in the moment is not to be regretted, especially if
it was as good as it was. But I don't understand how he can just go
back to that with no cares, and I sit around beating myself up.
Probably because I am part of the reason he stopped cheating on her in
the first place. For the past two years that we have been good friends
I've been telling him that every time he does it, he hurts her, and he
didn't see it like that. Hes all about free love and being crazy, and
his only other female friends didn't see anything the way we do. But
in the past two years, and the year they've been together again, he
hasn't (to any of our knowledge) been with anyone else, until me. How
fucked up is that? I help him change his ways, and then I am the
reason he relapses. It just more wrong because yes, in the moment it
may have felt so right, but the next day there was no need for text
messages saying "if you haven't noticed i wanna fuck the shit out of
you," and about next time, things about he doesn't regret a second of
it, how we'd (how lame) rock each other's worlds (which we would), and
something about romance. I reply over and over again with how wrong it
was, how we aren't allowed to do it again and with THIS IS NOT
ROMANCE! THIS WAS DRUNK. But I also replied with flirty something-isms
because its nice to feel wanted, and I want to feel wanted, not him.
This is just annoying how much I am analyzing this. Because the flat
out answer is: This is wrong, I need to not do it again. I need to
shut my mouth, and make everything normal again. Because if I do it
again, which I want to, I will go to hell and hurt friendships that I
cherish, his mostly but hers in part. I'm going to hell anyway, whats
more kissing going to do. But I won't, for now.
*I must credit Jew of An Irish and A Jew for her excellent talents of
making up words and giving them definitions. Frush: Mistakenly
believing you have a crush on someone, when really they are just a
kickass friend you want to see all the time.
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