needy so needy

Needy, so needy

So, here's the latest. While it's been fine hearing from my boyfriend

through texts, mostly in the morning, while he's on his lunch break

(It's three hours ahead where he is). That's been alright, but I still

miss the sound of his voice. I just assumed I couldn't ring him

because of networks, or money, or because they're still tapping my

phone. But you know when an idea creeps into your head, and you brush

it off but it still crawls back? I looked at my phone out of the

corner of my eye, and I thought of trying to ring him. No, don't be

silly, I told myself. I must be strong and patient and wait for him to

contact me.

But the thought crept back.

So I tried. I pressed the dial button casually, almost as if my finger

had slipped when I really meant to phone someone else. But there was

that background noise that phones make when they're calling someone,

there were clicks, and then silence. I looked at my display and it

said 'User busy'. Now how can that be? How can it be busy? So I

waited, and then I tried again. The white noise, the clicks and then

it rang. It only rang once because as soon as it did I hung up in a

panic and hid the phone under a stuffed dog. It feels like we've only

just started dating again. I keep thinking, "He'll see there's a

missed call from me", and the more he doesn't text me or even try to

ring back, the more nervous I'm getting. What does it all mean? I

don't know what to think or do. Suddenly my mind is consumed with

adolescent anxieties, my fear of rejection is kicking into overdrive,

and yet it's all probably nothing.

I spent a long time in the library today working on a Research Essay I

have to hand in in May. The library was very very quiet, and it's

funny how the littlest noises can have you look up in an accusing way

not seen since a rather tense game of Cluedo in '99. Coughers and

sniffers are given especially hard Paddington Bear stares, merely

because i want to give the impression that I'm Very Hard At Work and

Am Not To Be Disturbed. But I did get a lot done. I deleted all the

messages on my phone that I don't want, I changed the background