boyfriendgirlfriend

boyfriend/girlfriend

it's really strange to be in a relationship. it's really strange to

have a "boyfriend", someone who is actually there, and someone who

behaves like he's a boyfriend. it's been a while. it's been four

years. and so much has changed since i last had a real boyfriend. i'm

really unsure about how to handle it now. i feel so torn sometimes,

because i've built a life for myself, one where i didn't need someone.

i have a lot of friends, i have a lot of interests, i have a really

strong relationship with my family and i have my work. and now,

suddenly, i have a someone in my life who is important, and has to be

prioritized. it's almost a reciprocal prioritization though...does

that make sense? i have to give him that much importance because he

gives me a lot. i have to make time, because he always makes time. i

also do it though, because i want to. but the lines get blurred.

i felt so annoyed yesterday. i haven't spent any time at home lately.

i haven't had a chance to start reading my bukowski books properly

(except in the bathroom!), and i think my girlfriends are getting a

bit mad cause i haven't been around as much as i used to be. plus, my

work is insanely demanding (dammit! i started working for daddy so i

could be a lazy beyatch and blog all day - really didn't turn out that

way!). i haven't even been able to keep up with my virtual world, i

haven't been responding to mails, and checking blogs as often as i

used to and i have been so fucking preoccupied and selfish that i

actually missed the baron's (my twin's) birthday!

suddenly, it all feels like its a bit too much...i want to be there

for everyone, be ME, have time for myself, my blog, my friends and be

the way i used to be, but its impossible!

and it makes me wonder whether for all my whining, and craving for a

real guy, a real relationship, and some love and affection was just

crap? i have it now, and it's brilliant but it requires me to change

so many things!!! i'm so selfish, i know, i just want EVERYTHING,

without having to do anything for it.

the weirdest is how i suddenly feel guilty now. i have pictures of the

scottie on my phone, in bed. i have messages from him, and from the ex

mr. right (N) and from D, the long term ex. i am still friends with

all of them. VERY good friends. in fact, both D and N are my closest

friends, and know about the paki boy and are really encouraging. in a

way, its amazing that i have such a great relationship with them, but

at the same time, it's not something that paki boy can really

understand. he naturally feels a bit jealous if we run into D, and he

sees how well we get on, or if he sees my messages or pics or when he

run into someone i've dated (my city is too goddamn small). he's had

an overdose of my ex's and thinks i'm a PLAYER now!

am i a player? i've always had a guy in my life, yes. but i've always

been in monogamous relationships. i've never lied to anyone, and never

cheated on anyone. and if all my ex's are on such good terms with me,

then i couldn't possibly have been that bad, or ever hurt them

terribly. what the fuck is a player, anyway?? i thought i knew, but i

guess i don't.

i guess too much seems to be changing, too fast. i stumble over my

answer when someone asks whether i'm single, because i'm not used to

saying 'no'. i feel bad later when i realize that the night before, at

a club, i barely spoke to anyone, because i was too busy being with

paki. i don't know how to deal with this need to see him everyday, or

the stupidity of missing him, the moment i walk away from him. i feel

so stupid and corny. i feel like i feel too much, too soon. i feel so

scared!

the funny/weird/good thing is that i haven't picked on anything he has

said or done as 'paki'. i really thought that if i ever dated someone

from my country, i'd constantly be looking for signs of pakiness, but

i'm not. or perhaps he hasn't acted that way. either way,

surprisingly, given my biases, fear, repulsion, and phobia of my

fellow countrymen, it hasn't been an issue with this guy at all. he's

absolutely fantastic, in spite of being or perhaps BECAUSE he is,

PAKI!

sorry, i know i've done nothing but ramble. quality updates, or

rather, angst ridden, whiny, bitchy updates shall resume after a