training your girlfriend

Training Your Girlfriend

When you first start dating a new girlfriend, you want to be on your

best behavior. Sure, you want to make a good impression, but what

you're really doing is catering to her to get sex.

The problem is, the power base shifts to her right from the outset and

she knows it. She's in charge of access to the zipper and she counts

on you bending over backward to gain entry. So she's got you.

But there's more to it than that.

You might not be aware of it, but what she's really up to is training

you to be what she calls a "gentleman" -- acting nice and

accommodating, paying for her meals and chauffeuring her around like a

servant. And that's not all. She's also busy laying her traps to lock

you into this pattern for the course of the relationship.

Before you know it, she'll have you on her leash, following her around

like a puppy dog, eagerly awaiting her next command, and lapping up

the few sexual kibbles she tosses at you to keep you at "heel."

Sounds despicable, doesn't it? Yet girlfriends do it to men all the

time. Why? Because we let them. We allow them to treat us like

obedient pets, with sex as our reward for the "correct" behavior.

But what if you don't want to wind up as your girlfriend's puppy dog?

Is there any way out of this canine catastrophe? The answer is "yes."

The trick is to beat her to the punch -- act fast and treat her like

one first. A girlfriend can make a best friend and ideal companion,

but like any bitch (female dog, that is), she needs to be taught how

to act around the house. So you have to set the ground rules early by

enrolling her in your own private obedience school.

Common Obedience Problems

Aggression

She's out of control and constantly acts up. Brainwashed by a steady

diet of Oprah and "feminist" propaganda, she's now "empowered,"

meaning that her thoughts run somewhere along these lines: "Men have

been holding me back, I want mine now, and I don't care what pair of

testicles I have to step on to get it." Since a girlfriend's brain is

unable to distinguish emotion from logic, this kind of fantasy

thinking will prompt her to act in self-destructive patterns and will

cause you undue stress around the house.

Whining

She doesn't like to be left alone. She pouts when you hook up for the

weekly poker game with your buddies. She harps at you to buy her

something, and when she gets it, she doesn't want it anymore (or

demands something even more expensive). She nags that you watch too

much ESPN. She's always whimpering that she's too fat, too old or not

pretty enough. She craves constant attention.

Barking

Yap, yap, yap. She talks incessantly. But the problem is that she goes

on and on and on about nothing. You're on the phone, trying to close a

business deal, and there she is in the background, yipping about her

new pair of shoes.

Disobedience

Like a dog, she is hard to train. No matter what you want, she always

insists on getting her own way, then throws a tantrum or cuts off sex

if you oppose her. She's always escaping from the yard to go shopping.

And she won't respect your commands ("roll over," "lie down," "play

dead").

Begging

She always "begs" with her hands on her hips -- never on all fours.

All you hear from her is, "I want this," "Give me that" (on your

credit card, of course) and "My girlfriend's boyfriend bought her a

car -- why are you so cheap?" Not to mention that she expects to be

regularly taken out for expensive dinners.

House destruction

You just can't leave her alone in your place. You go out for a few

hours to play golf, and when you come back, your autographed Bears

poster and leather couch have been replaced by flower prints and a

shrimp-colored loveseat. And there are friggin' valances on the

windows.

Not fetching

An improperly trained girlfriend doesn't know that she should always

bring you a beer without having to be asked.

Chasing

Girlfriends are naturally attracted to bright, shiny objects (like

jewelry) and fast-moving luxury cars. An untrained girlfriend will

abandon you and run after any male who happens by with a few baubles

and a Porsche.

Not being housetrained

Girlfriends are notorious for not knowing how to put the toilet seat

back up.

Training Your Girlfriend

You can see how much upset an untrained girlfriend can bring into your

life. So how can you counteract these bad behaviors?

Act early and often

Girlfriends have to be taught obedience from day one, or they will

soon think that their bad behavior will be tolerated. Once improper

patterns have been imprinted on the female brain, they can be

extremely difficult to alter - you can't teach an old girlfriend new

tricks. The idea is to set the ground rules at the beginning of the

relationship so that she can understand what's expected of her. This

means your regular night out with the guys, sharing dating expenses

and sex on your terms.

Don't be afraid to say "no"

As many would believe, girlfriends aren't usually as bright as men, so

they typically have to be told more than once. And spank her if she

continues to misbehave. If she likes it, spank her a lot.

Use operant conditioning

Freely encourage her good behaviors (being in heat, excessive licking,

humping, and especially obeying the command, "Down, girl!") with

praise and rewards while ignoring the bad. The idea is not to punish

her for doing something wrong (unless she's into that sort of thing),

but to withhold attention from the behaviors you don't like. This way,

she will slowly catch on and eliminate the unwanted patterns from her

repertoire. As she starts to become dependent upon your approval or

disapproval, she will act more agreeably and respectfully toward you.

Practice Makes Perfect

All in all, obedience training is one of the best things you can do

for your girlfriend and yourself, because a well-trained girlfriend

makes for a happy relationship. It can enrich your dating life by

eliminating unwanted behaviors and can make your time together much

more enjoyable. The ultimate result is that you'll wind up with a

girlfriend who will treat you well and work hard to please you... the

perfect pet to have around the house.