things my girlfriend says

Things my girlfriend says

'I bought fruit today. You don't understand how good it is that I

bought fruit.'

'So you're going to be eating your five portions a day?' I asked.

'No,' she replied firmly.

'Fair enough.'

'I drink lots of fruit juice, though,' she went on, 'apple juice,

orange juice--'

'How about grapefruit juice?'

She gasped. 'That's disgusting. I can't believe you even... You know

what? I can't understand why fruit should be fucking bitter.

Grapefruit shouldn't even exist. And lemons.'

***

'How are your hoochies?' she asked me. 'Are they still checking to see

if you've left me yet?'

'You know, one of them was asking what university you were at. She was

saying she's going to visit it soon.'

'What, she's coming to visit because I'm here?' Girlfriend asked.

'No, because she wants to do a course there. I suggested that you two

should meet up and make friends.'

'What? No!' she shouted down the phone. 'Do you want me to get into a

fight with her?'

'It wouldn't be a fair fight. You're about ten inches taller than

her.'

'Yeah. I'd just kick her and she'd die.'

***

'Have you watched The Pride and the Prejudice?' she asked.

'You mean Pride and Prejudice?'

'Oh. What did I say?'

'You said "The Pride and the Prejudice",' I informed her. 'Some weird

hybrid of The Bold and the Beautiful and Pride and Prejudice.'

'Oh. You know that movie where that woman goes to teach kids in the

ghetto and Coolio did a song? Is that the same woman from The Pride

and the Prejudice?'

'No. The woman from Pride and Prejudice is Keira Knightley. The other

woman is Michelle Pfeiffer.'

'So it's not the same woman?'

'No,' I replied, having been set up wonderfully for a sarcastic

remark. 'Keira Knightley and Michelle Pfeiffer are not, in fact, the

same person.'

'Shut up,' she whined. 'I've never even seen The Pride and the

Prejudice.'

'Pride and Prejudice.'

'Whatever. Fuck you.'