Sunday Top 10: Don't Date Me. Wink Wink.
Going outside in this weather requires at least 10 layers of clothing
(or one winter jacket, for those of you who choose the "easy way out")
and insanity begins it's hold on your brain around Block Five of your
trek to the subway station (muttering to yourself, cursing imaginary
gods, telling people you love Jesus but you drink a little, etc.).
That means that if you want someone to come over and play with your
hair and tell you how pretty you are, you will need a
girlfriend/boyfriend (The only people who make extended treks through
ice and snow to get to Other People are people who are hoping, at some
point, that this "Other Person" will have his or her head between the
Trekker's thighs. Furthermore, if you live in Sheepshead Bay or Ohio,
the Trekker would also hope that the Other Person has Oral
Skills)--and this is a tough time to get one, because most people are
Gay, Straight AND Taken. Everyone is staying together at least until
April, when girls start wearing shorts again.
Around Valentine's Day, people get extra-interested in each other's
dating status. If I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend, my single-hood
is usually easy to explain:
1. I don't want a relationship right now
2. I've got this good thing going with my ex? He still tells me I'm
pretty, we have sleepovers, and he helps me move, but he's agreed not
to talk about his "feelings" or "where this is going"?
3. I've got this good thing going with someone else's
boyfriend/girlfriend? But I promised not to talk about it.
4. I've made zero effort to obtain one. (Maybe a .5 effort, if myspace
browsing counts) I mean, I don't even like, "go out." Like, ever.
This year, we are looking at Number 4. Haviland thought it would be
"fun" if I did a Top Ten Reasons why you should be my girlfriend. But
I thought that might be too obvious and I don't want to dissuade
potential Valentines. It's sneakier to just get them in your ring and
then pounce like a tiger. Then Karen suggested REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.
The Most Bad-Ass Thing the boys ever did was secretly play Magic the
Gathering under the table and the Most Bad-Ass Thing the girls ever
did was when we stole Ho-Hos from the vending machine. Our health
teacher, who I'll call "Barb," wore 50's-style cat-eye glasses, frumpy
polyester skirts and scuffed velcro sneakers with athletic knee socks.
Barb's most noted fashion trademark, however, was the one inevitably
un-buttoned button of her antique blouse, revealing her brasserie.
Barb gave us condoms and bananas and showed us Mystery Science Theater
2000 versions of Sex Ed videos and raved about how much fun it was to
have sex with her husband. That vision haunted us. We didn't want to
have sex anymore.
So I'm thinking if reverse psychology squelched any sexual activity
happening in middle school (or else we were all just kinda ugly then,
and had a lot of metal in our mouths), then it should probably also
work on girlfriends.
Also, I have no time, and since I never write about my dating life or
anything, and since I've got a list of "things that are wrong with me"
pretty much at the forefront of my paleolithic skull, this should be
easy to whip out. Fast. (Side note: I ramble when I go quickly. If you
haven't noticed already)
SUNDAY TOP TEN: TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD TOTALLY NOT BE MY VALENTINE.
10. I Have a Thing With Penetration. Of Your Ear. With My Wet Finger.
I've had this problem (a compulsive desire to submit my companions to
wet willies) for about 6-7 years now. After her 25th subjection to
this childlike attack, Haviland suggested: "I think you have a thing
with like, penetration." (true) But it's really hard for me to lie in
bed next to someone (read: really, ANYONE) in a non-sexual situation
(read; not actively HAVING sex, though if we've JUST had sex, it's
totally fair game) and not try to stick my finger in their ear. I
don't know why. When I dated [redacted], he woke me up with a
high-quality sneak-attack wet willie on the first night he slept over
and I was like "Holy shit, you've been sent here by G-d to reek
vengeance on me for all my sins of the past." That turned out to be
true in many ways.
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9. I Don't Do: Relationships, Sleepovers, Brunch, "Talking on the
Phone," Feelings.
Unless um, I like you a lot. Then I'll do all of those things except
brunch. Unless you're cooking it. Or I am.
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8. I've Got Some Tight Girl-Friends (Just Friends!) Who I Often
Prioritize. And I Might Call Them While You Are in the Bathroom.
Let me quote my spice girls, who once said: "If you wanna be my lover,
you gotta get with my friends." By "get," they mean "enjoy the company
of." If you actually "got" with my friends, like in the biblical
sense, I'd probably hack into your myspace account and post comments
on the pages of your Top 8 encouraging them to try this great new diet
drug that helped you lose a few pounds. Also, because this is the
community on which "the chart" was based, I'd be surprised if you
haven't already "got"ten with my friends. And I mean that biblically.
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7. I'm Bisexual
I'm bisexual. That's pretty much irrelevant. But according to the Big
Bi Survey I am currently conducting, only 16.4% of bisexual women (I
have almost 400 responses so far) DISAGREE with the statement
"Lesbians don't want to date bisexual girls," and 63% agree with that
statement. I mean, sure, I'm slutty, flighty, confused, deranged,
homicidal, insane, likely to leave you for a man, likely to initiate a
threesome, likely to be in transition to gay or straight, totally
likely to really want to date a man and a woman both at the same time,
because otherwise how on earth could my perverted appetites be
satisfied, but like, so what? Rita Mae Brown used a handgun to blow
out the rear window of Martina Mavratilova's BMW. So you homos have
your own issues, k?
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6. Sometimes Dating Me is Sort of Like Becoming a Fictional Character
You will immediately become a part of The Automatic Win World. That
means you will be photographed, quoted, described, and flattered, 2-3
times a week, right here on this blog. You will be expected to
comment. On the up-side, if we stop seeing each other, I won't bitch
about you or mention a breakup. I will continue to speak of you only
when appropriate, e.g. a yearly quotes round-up, appropriate
photograph, when describing your assault on my ears with your finger
(see "[redacted]" in "10").
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5. I Like the Stairmaster More than I Like You.
There are not many things that can come between me and my date with
The Gym. The best way to avoid this conflict is to book 24-48 hours
ahead of time, because then we're good to go. But as soon as I've
decided to go to the gym on a particular day, I'm going. A "Day-Of"
surprise will not be accepted, unless it involves: 1. Famous People,
2. Copious Amounts of Free Things And/Or Money, 3. Fame, 4. Tickets to
an Amazing Event.
This shouldn't be complicated, really. But most people want someone to
talk them out of going to the gym (e.g. "Skip the gym, baby, let's go
have brunch insteadddd...."), so my partners are often surprised by my
resolute and firm insistence (and my firm BOD). The thing is, it's got
nothing to do with my body. It just pumps up my endorphins and helps
my fibromyalgia, which you probably haven't even heard of, so there.
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4. I Really Believe That Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.
I actually go slightly insane when I get manicures because I can't
read at the same time because I can't use my fingers, which means I am
doing NOTHING at all besides just having my fingers painted (podcasts
have fixed this problem). This is just to say that I like to pack each
moment with as much activity as possible.
Because I'm a little obsessed about: 1. Time Management and 2. My
Alone-Time. I like being Alone. I always have work to do.
This is kind of irritating to others, and I'm working on it.
Also, if I'm like, "in love," then this rule can be adjusted slightly.
Somewhere between "slightly" and "completely."
Bonus: long-distance relationships are totally fine with me.
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3. I Can Be a Little Annoying about Restaurants, Though Most of My
Friends Are Equally Insane, Though in Different Ways, So I Have No
Conception of This Being Strange.
-I will not consume Aspertine, aka "Equal" or "Nutrasweet" in any
context.
-I don't like spicy food. I consider excessive amounts of pepper to be
a spice.
-I won't eat meat except for: heavily marinated grilled chicken and
cheeseburgers.
-I will eat meat that is not grilled chicken or cheeseburgers if it is
prepared by a chef at an expensive restaurant or by Ingrid Greenfield.
-I have been known also to eat hot dogs and fat-free bologna.
-I won't eat any kind of meat from Empire Corner or any other
restaurant that costs below $10/entree and delivers faster than I
could make toast.
-I won't eat anything that is heavy on onions or chives or garlic.
-I won't eat pasta or ice cream before sunset.
-I won't go inside a Chinese restaurant or a fast food restaurant or
any place that has a scent I think might linger on my clothing after I
leave.
-If you put sugar in my coffee or bring me Diet Coke instead of
regular, I will kill you with a 6-liter bottle of Whoop-Ass.
-I won't drink beer. Or gin. Or anything lemon-lime flavored.
-I will not watch you eat wings or ribs.
-I can eat whatever I want and not get fat, which is annoying to some
girls. On the up-side of this, if you pick up my eating habits, I will
totally support you and your added weight, because I agree with Tyra
Banks that she is not fat, and I agree with 89% of OK! Magazine
readers that curvy girls are way sexier than skinny girls.
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2. I'm Always Late
On the up-side, I'm probably late because I'm making you a card. Or
getting you a present. Or trying to pick the outfit that would most
please you. Or because I have no concept of how time works, and I
often cling to the knowledge that if every train arrives exactly when
I need it to, it is POSSIBLE that I will be on time.
Also. I'm working on this. (actually the funny thing is, I am running
late AS I WRITE THIS!)
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1. I Don't Want a Girlfriend.
Or do I?
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Feel free to apply for this position. Or say mean things to me from
personal experience. Or nice things! Just click "add comment."
Posted by riese at 6:28 AM
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