girlfriends teddy

Posted @ 14:17The Girlfriend's Teddy

One : My Mission

Some may find the following disturbing, if you are of a nervous

disposition, stop reading now. Some may find the following offensive,

if you are of a teddy-bear-owning-girlfriend disposition, stop reading

now.

Stephen King and Wes Craven have written some very scary things but

they have shrunk from tackling the ultimate horror: the girlfriend's

teddy. However, I am neither as squeamish nor as hesitant as they, I

think the world should wake up and take notice of this terror lurking

in our midst. It is not without some trepidation that I approach this

subject: not only am I risking the malevolent wrath of the teddies

themselves but also the mafia-like organisation known as the female of

the species (a.k.a. people with bumpy fronts) who have been known to

launch world-wide vendettas over far more trivial matters. But I will

not shirk my responsibility and commitment to bringing this truly

frightening matter to the attention of the world (even though I may

have to go into hiding).

Two : First Encounter

The first encounter with a girlfriend's teddy is usually on that

occasion when one has first gained entrance to the girlfriend's

boudoir. This may not be for any nefarious purpose [I will use this

euphemism henceforth to cover all the blush-making activities that can

go on in bedrooms such as macram�, cataloguing stamp collections or

listening to Rush albums, etc.]; one may simply be depositing one's

coat on the bed that is being used as a cloakroom during a party or

politely enquiring when we all switched to decimal time since there

now appear to be ten minutes in an hour (as in "I'll only be 10

minutes getting ready..."). But this first encounter with the

girlfriend's teddy-bear is truly frightening: the sneer, the up-turned

nose and the glassy-eyed stare all conspire to say: "Hey, pal, don't

you think you're anything special, I've been sleeping with her for

years". It is at this point that many relationships end abruptly

(although the comments about the time it takes to "just brush my hair

and put on a new top" are a contributing factor); this, of course, is

the teddy's game plan.

Even more scary are the owners of multiple teddy bears but this is one

territory where I really fear to tread - which proves there are some

things that should truly never be mentioned in public. Just imagining

more than one teddy staring up at me from the bedspread at me is

enough to give me nightmares for several months.

There is, obviously, no correct way of dealing with the teddy on this

first encounter. Like the perpetual motion machine, the idea that a

female could deem any act by a male as correct is the stuff of myth

and legend: there is a vast body of fantasy fiction - written by males

- which deals with this impossible scenario, but that is another

subject for another time.

However, there are certain damage-limitation strategies which the

astute male can adopt to ensure that the relationship proceeds towards

the fulfilment of nefarious purposes. We begin with the things not to

do.

Firstly - this should go without saying - asking the girlfriend why

she has that moth-eaten hairy rag on her bed is not a tactic likely to

endear one to either the teddy-bear or the girlfriend: indeed, this

tactic has been responsible for a large number of admissions to

Accident and Emergency departments. Secondly, do not try the grin of

male camaraderie with the teddy-bear; do not attempt to bond with the

teddy-bear: this is a losing strategy since teddy-bears bond with

no-one except their owner (I have to admit failure in researching the

existence of bear-on-bear bonding in the

multiple-bear-owning-girlfriend scenario: I am not Superman after

all). Thirdly, ignoring the bear is not an option: it may please the

teddy but it will annoy the girlfriend and thoroughly scupper any

chance of indulging in nefarious purposes.

So, what is the astute male to do? Firstly, smiling - not grinning -

at the bear is acceptable. Secondly, always say, with a smile,

something like "What a cute bear, have you had him a long time?" and,

fixing your smile with the strongest superglue you can find, be

prepared to listen to ten minutes (at least) of "What, old teddykins

[or snugglepuss; or bobbybear; or whatever], he's such a cutsie,

cuddly little darling thing, he keeps me company on my lonely

nights..." [beware, this is not necessarily an invitation to indulge

in nefarious purposes]. Thirdly - and this will require all your

courage and a particularly strong stomach (it's best not to attempt

this after drinking but sometimes that can help) - take the bear by

the paw and introduce yourself: "Hi, teddykins, I'm [insert name here

- you might want to lie], I hope we're going to be friends". [Excuse

me, I need to go and lie down after writing that].

Following this strategy will greatly increase the chances of the

relationship proceeding to nefarious purposes, however, the atmosphere

is more greatly laden with sweat-dripping, gut-wrenching fear when

nefarious purposes are, indeed, afoot.

Three : Living with Teddy

Well, not so much "living with teddy" and "what to do with teddy when

nefarious purposes are afoot". I can only offer you guidelines in this

matter and cannot guarantee their success.

Do not throw teddy on the floor, into the waste bin or out of the

window: the girlfriend will not be pleased but will probably call an

ambulance on your behalf.

Do not leave teddy in the bed, no matter how much the girlfriend

insists, as he will try and join in (although you might be lucky,

depending on your choice of activity: most teddy bears aren't all that

keen on Rush).

Come to terms with the fact that teddy is going to see you naked and

stare and sneer (macram� and philately are definitely improved by

performing them naked; listening to Rush albums naked may be an

improvement, all I can say is that it can be no worse than listening

to them fully clothed).

Place teddy on the floor, kindly. It doesn't matter where: all teddy

bears can see round corners and tilt their heads so that their glassy

stare uses multiple mirror-reflections to form an impromptu periscope

to watch the proceedings. Just accept that teddy is going to watch and

is going to sneer at your performance.

Be aware that teddy will exact revenge no matter what you do or say.

When you wake up in the morning with a bruise on your leg it will be

teddy's doing and have nothing to with falling out of bed because you

were tying a particularly difficult knot, energetically cataloguing an

early 20th century Mauritius 3-cent blue with the pornographic

watermark (which Stanley Gibbons makes no mention of) or attempting to

understand the lyrics of (or, indeed, the reason for the existence of)

2112.

The girlfriend's teddy bear will always be there, lurking and

smirking. You've either got to learn to tolerate it or take up

train-spotting.

Four : Afterwords

1. Sorry, Mark, for the jokes about listening to Rush; but you know

it was bound to happen sometime.

2. I originally planned for this post to feature pictures of the

subject. However, the firewall on my internet connection prevents

the downloading of such frightening images without a special

government license.

3. I have applied for armed protection by Special Branch in

anticipation of the fatwah which I strongly suspect will be issued

against my person by that proportion of the human population which

can adopt the r�le of girlfriend.