2006_04_09_archive

Friends In Low Places

As many of you know, I have a part-time job as a bartender at a tiny

dive bar. The place is kind of nuts, and there's always some sort of

saga going on there. Usually, my best bar stories have been about a

fight or a drunk creep having to be thrown out.

But today, my friends, I have an entirely different story. It is not a

politically correct story, so if you are easily offended or might

think less of me after reading it, please stop here and go on eBay and

order a teddy bear that some old lady in Kansas made.

A midget walked into the bar last night with his tall girlfriend. I've

met this midget before, briefly, and have later heard stories about

him. He rents himself out for "midget-tossing" at parties and comes

complete with his own harness and mats. Anyway, he's also been known

to get quite loaded and get kicked out of bars or arrested.

Anyway, he walks in with his tall girlfriend and they sit at the bar.

He orders a bottle of beer and she orders a glass of wine. They were

quiet for a good thirty minutes as they nursed their one drink. Maybe

the midget has turned a new leaf, I think to myself. At the very

least, he's just trying to impress his girlfriend and won't get

totally ripped.

As I resigned myself to having the midget be normal, he and his

girlfriend begin to make out at the bar. Okay, whatever. These things

happen. Then the girlfriend asks me if I can show her how to use the

Internet Jukebox on the wall. I say sure and meet her in front of the

jukebox.

That's when my night became a circus.

The midget begins to twirl around on his barstool like a child while

he mumbles to himself. She turns out to be bisexual (not that there's

anything wrong with that) and cops a feel as I show her how to search

for songs on the machine. I retreat back behind the bar and both of

them begin to dance like maniacs in the very empty bar. She is singing

at the top of her lungs and he is pretending to do the limbo to a

Meatloaf song.

I immediately call my friend Debbie and tell her to come to the bar as

soon as possible. Thankfully, she does.

The midget's girlfriend then hits on Debbie, hugging her and kissing

her on top of the head. Debbie doesn't know what to do, so she just

cleans her eyeglasses and says, "Oh, wow." Then the the girlfriend

sings "Tears In Heaven" while looking directly into my eyes. The

midget keeps taking his safari hat on and off like he has O.C.D.

A group of people walk in--all weirdos themselves--and a man named

Crazy Jimmy starts a verbal fight with some random guy in the corner.

I ask Crazy Jimmy to leave and it kind of puts a damper on the party

the midget and his girlfriend were attemting to start in the bar.

The midget then tried to play pool, but he kept dropping his cue stick

until he finally gave up. His girlfriend still continued to serenade

me, now with bad 80s tunes. I would look away, but at that point there

was nothing to look at but the midget.

I started a game of trivia (because what else could make the night

weirder?) and when the midget got the answer to one of the questions,

I gave him a frisbee as a prize. For some reason, this made me laugh.

It also made me laugh when his girlfriend went back to the jukebox and

played that country song called "I've Got Friends In Low Places."

Actually, that put me over the edge, and I had to escape into the back

room to laugh without anyone seeing me.

Debbie had to leave and I was saddened by this, but thanked God that

she came in the first place.

I called Last Call and everyone kind of got their stuff together and

took off. I was slightly offended when the midget and his girlfriend

left and didn't even say goodbye.

Later, after I'd locked the doors and cleaned up, I went out back to

take some empty bottles to the recycling bin. As I turned to make my

way back to the bar, there was the midget stumbling through the

parking lot and calling my name.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOPE! HOOOOOOOOOOPE!" he yells and then falls down. He got

right back up and continued to stumble.

"Are you okay?" I yell back at him.

Then he disappeared into a bush.

I go back into the bar and tell my boss that there is a drunk midget

out in the parking lot calling my name. As anyone would, he looked at

me oddly.

"Seriously," I tell him. "There is."

We go back outside and the midget is nowhere to be found. His

girlfriend is gone and the bushes are empty. We decided to call it a

night and just hope that everyone got home okay.

As I pulled into my driveway at 2:30 a.m., I realized that more